VOL 1578 - FEB. 19, 2017 - Strange Self Help Books - The Bible for Dummies
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The Bible, as Written By Students
Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by
1.Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
2.The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
3.New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
4.Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
5.Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to #firstname.lastname@example.org.
6.Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
7.The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
8.Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes
9.Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshers.
10.Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Today's Featured Humor : -) - The Bible for Dummies
The Bible for Dummies
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Submitted by Kelly H.
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