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Top 40 2004 Prez Election Dan Ratherisms ....
Top 40 Ratherisms
The Top 40 Election Dan Ratherisms
40. "This thing is tighter than Joan River's face, and damn near as frightening."
39. "We're pumped here in the newsroom, like the sleep-deprived junkie who gave me these pills at the walk-in clinic."
38. "If I had a nickel for every one of those 19,000 rejected ballots, I'd be sitting at about 950 bucks right now."
37. "It's tighter than a prairie dog's butt in a dust bowl!"
36. "As the fight for the White House drags onto into the 11th round, Gore must feel like a desperate boxer and I'll bet Bush's ear is looking mighty tasty right now."
35. "Voters are pulling on their ballot levers like rats trying to get a pellet in a Skinner box!"
34. "Well, hold me down and stomp me like a hamster in a crush video, this has been one long night."
33. "This race is tighter than a face lift on a 50 year auditioning for 'Dawson's Creek'."
32. "If Florida is 'the big tamale', then Texas must be 'M-m-m-my Chalupa!'"
31. "Tonight we've seen more ups and downs than a Viagra conference."
30. "It's all about chads. Chads, chads, chads. Chad, chad, bo-bad, banana-fana, fo-fad. Chad."
29. "This race is about as hard to call as a deaf hog up a sassafras tree."
28. "You put Florida in; you put Florida out. You put Florida in; then you shake it all about."
27. "It's a steelcage deathmatch between the bubbas and the bubbes, and I'm not bettin' bupkes on the outcome."
26. "Politics makes strange bedfellows and this election is so close, Bush and Gore may have to move bunkbeds into the Lincoln bedroom."
25. "This race is tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter during Gay Pride week."
24. "We take it on faith that kissing your sister gets either old or illegal after the second week."
23. "George W. Bush is like a whorehouse pianist -- he can see the prize, but he can't touch it."
22. "This election is bouncing around like Dolly Parton jumping rope on speed."
21. "Bush thought of his brother as a giant electoral PEZ dispenser, but when he snapped his head back on November 7, what he pulled out of Governor Jeb's neck was not the sweet cherry-red 'Bush' candy he'd been counting on but the bitter lemon-yellow candy known as 'Undecided', and he's surely finding it hard to swallow."
20. "Controversy is bubblin' like a gut full o' bad gumbo."
19. "This race is tighter than Ted Kennedy at a single-malt chugoff, and somebody just opened up the Glenlivet."
18. "Those Florida results are gyrating like my tongue in Diane Sawyer's ear last night."
17. "The recount room is locked up tighter than an Iowa trailer park in tornado season."
16. "I may not know the frequency, Kenneth, but I can count to 270, and we ain't there yet."
15. "This one's tighter than Rush Limbaugh's bike shorts."
14. "This one's a crotch-grabber, folks, and I'll bet a handful of nuts it won't be over any time soon."
13. "Tell grandma to take her teeth out of the glass, this'll be a nail biter."
12. "This race is stickier than a pine cone enema on a hot night in the bayou."
11. "The vote count in Florida is stopped up worse than 'Yours Truly' after a bit too much queso."
10. "This one is working out to be a hum-dinger, only the fat lady ate all the hums and is now eyeing the dingers."
9. "The margin of victory in New Mexico is tighter than Britney Spears's tube top, and just as likely to piss off Republicans."
8. "...and where the hell are my pants?!"
7. "This recount is like a too long movie with too sticky floors in a too crowded Times Square with too few cabs and too many hookers."
6. "The Florida voter may be getting screwed harder than a drunken Paula Zahn at CBS's Christmas party."
5. "Elections are like a box of chocolates, and in Florida, this one seems to be running away from Forrest Gore."
4. "Just remember: if your grandma had wheels, you could use her for luggage."
3. "If Gore loses Florida, you can call Ned Beatty and fire up 'Dueling Banjos' because Al will be squealing like a pig."
2. "The American people wanted just a quickie, but it looks like they're going to be paying for the full night. With kink."
1. "Don't shake the pee pee yet, this contest is still flowing!"
Submitted by Henry L.
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