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FAGGOT PROTEST PLANNED AGAINST FAGGOT GATHERING
FAGGOT PROTEST PLANNED AGAINST FAGGOT GATHERING By: G.Marnier - SatireNewsService In an effort to prove that the Catholic Church has a 2,000 year history of homophobia, thousands of homo-bi-tri and psychosexually unidentified members of the Lavender and Lace Network are meeting in Rome this week for World Gay Pride Day. Also scheduled during the week is the age old annual Gathering of Faggots procession from St. Peters Square to the Tiber. Standing outside the gates to the Vatican, the Lavenderites were joined by representatives of the New York Province of the Society of Jesus who traveled to Rome to make known their opposition to the upcoming "instruction" from the Vatican's Congregation for Catholic Education which will reaffirm the Church's belief that "homosexuality is objectively disordered" and homosexuals should not be ordained. The two groups claim that the Faggot Gathering event was deliberately scheduled in opposition to their gathering but Vatican sources reminded their representatives that the ritual honoring the peasants who built the Coliseum from straw and clay has always taken place in October. Msgr. Nomen Clature, a member of the Sacred Congregation for Accurate Translations, met with the protesters and denied the word faggots had any implication other than the true meaning which he spelled out, first in Latin, then English and several other languages: faggot or fagot fag-et n [ME fagot, fr. MF] BUNDLE: as 1) A bundle of sticks and 2) A bundle of pieces of wrought iron to be shaped by rolling or hammering at high temperature. Pooffie LaTour, spokesman for Society of Defenders of Multisexual Yearnings, dressed in a fuscia colored bejeweled spandex body suit, was adamant that the Vaticans history of discrimination was well documented and told Msgr. Clature that he and his companions were going to disrupt the procession by any means possible. We dont care what you say. Weve bent over backwards to accommodate in every way possible, but were not going to take this lying down. Were here to show the world the meaning of the word true love. When Msgr. Clature reminded LaTour that true love was two words, Dyke Dumpster, founder of Dykes on Bikes, flexed her muscles at Msgr. Clature but was immediately surrounded by members of the Rome consigliere who put handcuffs on her. As she was taken to the GENDERIZER - the latest in police crowd-control vehicles - she pleaded with them to put cuffs on her ankles, a chain around her neck and a plastic bag over her head. The offer was refused. After distributing a statement to the press, Fr. Guido Mankoleone who serves as adviser to the Sacred Congregation for Recovering Theologians, told SNS: We wanna dem to know, alla dem peeple who tink dat we gonna givva into dis kinda tinkin, dat we still havva standards in da Roman Catolick Church. If dos prissypots wanna breaka up our parade, we gonna takea care of dem, an we wone be prancin when we do da job, neither. The release listed the names of prelates and priests who would be holding a pernoctation in St. Peters Square prior to the faggot gathering procession. When asked for the meaning of pernoctation, Fr. Guido said it had an ecclesiastical usage and meant an all night vigil. It donna mean Compernoctation neither, like dose whatever-day-are tink. Day wone get past da gates into da Square. Day may not get true dos utter gates, neither. You know da ones I mean. Members of The Darkness Club, who were returning from a dinner with the Abbess Ann, O.I.D., Mother Superior of the Sisters of Divine Wrath, assured LaTour, Dumpster and members of a group calling themselves Fetishists Unite! Challenge! Know! Yisse! Objurgate! Ululate! that upon request, the sacrament of penance was available anytime at all the churches in Rome. Following the pernoctation, the procession is scheduled to wend its way through Rome, past The Gregorian University - where many of the Jesuits are staying during their time in the Eternal City to the banks of the Tiber where, in the centuries-old liturgical tradition, the faggots will be thrown into the river. As the meeting was breaking up, a livid Lavenderite grabbed a bull-horn and yelled that Dyke had been subjected to gender defamation by the police. Her hair had been curled, makeup was applied to her face, she was given a manicure and forced to wear a dress, causing humiliation and sexual confusion. Poofie yelled that legal action would be brought. Magistrate Paulo Mankoleone, Fr. Guidos brother, laughed and said the police should be more circumspect in the future about wasting the lira in lustration of lusus naturae, adding that being a judge, he did not need to define his words. 
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