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Chimpanzee Link to Human Evolution Contested
CHIMPANZEE LINK TO HUMAN EVOLUTION CONTESTED By: G. Marnier - Satire News Service Scientists meeting at the Smithsonian released a report claiming that research on fossil DNA clearly shows that human ancestors did not split from breeding with the chimpanzee until at least a million years later than previously thought. Some paleontologists at the meeting disputed the basic concept that successful breeding could occur between early humans who walked upright and chimpanzees who walked on all fours, but Prof. Sosez Yough - a paleontologist who helped discover an early human ancestor who walked on two legs between 6.5 and 7.4 million years ago - announced that his research showed that interbreeding did occur and that it is possible that a genetic line from that mating might exist. Prof. Rep U. Blican, a bio-ethicist and genealogist, walked to the podium and stated that a genetic connection could not occur because God created all matter, including animals and humans with absolutely unique characteristics, including DNA. Prof. D. Ipsey dermatologist and consultant to Atheists Stating Sanctifying Experiences Stink (ASSES) who hold to the "Big Bang" theory of creation, rushed down the aisle, took the microphone away from Prof. Blican and announced that since the Smithsonian was a government building, any mention of God was forbidden, adding: "Not only is what you're saying non-scientific, you're trying to make us believe in some right wing story where a woman talks to a snake." Prof. Blican reminded Ipsey that: "Whether it all started with an atom or cell untold billions of years ago, creation could not have just 'happened' out of nothing and the only logical answer is that it was started by an eternal being, God." Hand on hip, Ipsey countered: "Yeah? Well that doesn't prove that man and animals didn't interbreed." Realizing that his theory was being sideswiped, Prof. Yough asked the two to take their seats but wanting to make a further point, Ipsey pointed his finger at Prof. Blican and shouted: "I know your kind. You voted for Bush, you're pro-Iraq war, you think homosexuals shouldn't marry each other, you think I'll see God when I die and you're anti-abortion, too. Right?" Waving his hand dismissively, Blican said: "Actually, in your case there is one form of abortion which I do support: retroactive - and although I find it scientifically questionable at this time, I would agree in theory with Prof. Yough's thesis that a genetic line from interbreeding between apes and humans might exist," after which he crossed to the exhibit board, attached a large photograph, smiled, bowed to Ipsey and left the room. 
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