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MALL CELEBRATION MARRED
MALL CELEBRATION MARRED by: G.Marnier - SatireNewsService Contrary to statements that the $10 million, three day concert and football event held on the Washington Mall was a popular success with the 130,000 spectators who attended, all were not in the spirit of things. Members of PETA stood outside the Mall security fences and carried signs protesting the war in Iraq, the slaughter of animals, the cutting of trees in forests and the saying of "Under God" in the pledge of Allegiance. The celebration was sponsored by PEPSI, Coors and other entrepreneurs and the Washington Redskins were the center of attention. Speaking for the local chapter of PETA, Hortense Featherstock told anyone who would listen that their object was to draw attention to the "disgraceful disrespect shown by schools and professional sports organizations in naming their teams after animals. "How dare they make money while 'Coyotes', 'Panthers', 'Mighty Ducks', 'Grizzlies', 'Hornets', 'Ravens', 'Eagles', 'Rams', 'Colts', 'Broncos', 'Bruins', 'Huskies', 'Marlins', 'Bulldogs', 'Orioles' and 'Redwings' are attacked on playing fields." When Paddy O'Kelly, an Irishman clad in kilts who was carrying a "Go Redskins sign, roared with laughter and reminded Featherstock she was wearing leather shoes, she responded that American Indians were also insulted by the name 'Redskins'. "Aye, and are 'Cardinals', 'Padres' and 'Angels' an affront to Catholics? Will WICA claim religious prejudice and persecution by the 'Wizards'? What about short people? Do they feel threatened when the 'Titans' and 'Giants' kick off?" And I ask you: Those policemen over there? Should they arrest one of the 'Rangers' for impersonating an officer. A group of lawyer-looking men dressed in business suits walked by and Paddy called out to them: "Would you be suein for libel and defamation if the 'Sharks' got bad press?" Hoisting his sign and finishing off his Coors beer, Paddy told SNS: "The truth of the matter is, the name 'Redskins' has nothin to do with Indians. They're named after those darlin little red potatoes grown in Ireland. Now just suppose the Friendly Sons of St. Patrick started demandin access ramps to and from bars. Not only that, what about potato subsidies based on their history of famine in The Old Country?" Two uniformed umpires who were part of the Mall festivities and would be officiating at the 'Redskins' game that evening, had been listening to Paddy and clapped their approval. It was all he needed. "And let me tell you this: The Irish are tired of bein referred to as leprechauns. Bein called drunks and brawlers is one thing, but 'lepers' and 'cons'? Our skin's as clear as a newborn's bottom and nary a one of us has been in prison because we're Irish. At least, not in this country. Maybe a night here and there to dry out a bit, but that doesn't make us 'cons'. The Redskins' work hard and proudly at what they do and have shown honor to Native Americans by naming their team after them." Turning to the umpires, he said: "Come on, Lads. Let's go get ourselves some of that fried chicken they're sellin over by the Smithsonian.." 
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