Great News! Trump Just Sold California To Mexico!
Hot news you have been waiting for!! Oh, what a relief it is....
WASHINGTON (AP) - at 11:15am today President Trump disclosed that he has reached an agreement with Enrique Pena Nieto, President of Mexico, which provides for the immediate sale of a significant portion of the State of California to the country of Mexico. The agreement is being presented to the legislatures of both countries today for expedited approval. President Nieto announced that he has already introduced a bill to the Mexican Congress asking to change his country’s name to MexiCal.
The portion of California sold to Mexico extends from the coastline inland to, but not including , the Central Valley, and to just North of San Francisco. President Trump noted that this deal, which he claims “is his largest real estate deal ever” is a win-win for everyone involved. Mexico, being a quasi-socialist country, plans to seize and nationalize Apple, Inc. and other Silicon Valley corporations in order to pay the sales price of just over $31 trillion dollars (plus Mexico’s entire crop of avocados for the next 100 years) from Apple’s cash reserves and from low-interest loans to be provided by the Mexican drug cartels. The cartels have agreed to provide such low interest loans if they are allowed to move their cash out of Switzerland and the Cayman Islands back into Mexico tax free and if they are given amnesty.
President Trump will outline all of the benefits of this deal during a prime time address from the Oval Office later this evening, which will include using the proceeds received by the US from Mexico to:
1) Pay for the Wall (fulfilling yet another campaign promise), a wall which will now include the length of the new eastern border of MexiCal.
2) fund all the infrastructure spending in the remaining United States and
3) pay to relocate the 67 Republicans that currently reside in the portion of California sold to Mexico. All other current residents of that territory that are not already Mexican (approximately 50% of the population) will automatically become citizens of Mexico, with all of the benefits that entails. The millions of Californians who have been chanting “Not My President” since November 8, 2016, are expected to be euphoric.
President Trump also noted that Federal money saved from the reduction of California citizens and illegal aliens living on US social programs will allow those social programs to be cash positive in less than 3 years.
Other benefits President Trump intends to discuss during this evening’s prime time address include:
California will now be able to continue as a sanctuary state within MexiCal noting that there is much more room for the illegal aliens who will find the climate in the State of California more desirable than the climate in US cities such as NYC, Detroit or Chicago.
The elimination of the existing border between Mexico and California will allow
drugs to flow more freely between Mexico and the users in Hollywood.
Drug tunnel diggers at the Tijuana border will now be able to use their skills to dig tunnels under Los Angeles and San Francisco to help ease congestion in those cities and allow rioters to move about the nearby universities more freely.
The U.S. taxpayer will no longer be on the hook for any future disaster relief required once the next megaquake hits California. Moreover, California’s Central Valley farmers will again be allowed to have water and irrigate the world’s most productive farmland because Mexico has agreed to give permanent sanctuary to the 734 delta smelt that have been located.
The space in the Capitol and other DC buildings vacated by representatives of California will be fumigated and turned into “time-out rooms” for the press as well as Liberty Centers where US citizens can meet with their congressmen to discuss the pursuit of economic freedom.
Mexican President Nieto also said he considers the fact that a Disney park will now be located within his country an added bonus.
Nancy Pelosi released a statement stating that she looks forward to making the Mexican President’s life miserable and prefers the year round weather in Mexico City to that of DC. Her office has already announced a schedule of fund raising activities for what is believed to be an upcoming campaign to run for President of MexiCal. Part of her platform, according to sources inside her tent, will be the opening of MexiCal’s southern border to allow the downtrodden and deserving people of Central America to partake of the social benefits MexiCal has to offer. Her office notes that Mexico has a desperate need for abortion clinics and transgender-friendly bathrooms and that Mexico’s current health-care system needs to have more of the features of Obamacare. Al Sharpton commented during his show on MSNBC that Mexican President Nieto is a “hateful racist bigot” and that he and Maxine Waters were planning a march in Mexico City as soon as the deal was ratified.
The northern border of the new MexiCal was the subject of intense bargaining, President Trump said, in order to assure Congressional approval of the deal. Apparently the White House was concerned that certain members of congress may be unwilling to give up California’s wine country and determined that the northern border align with the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Mexican President Nieto stated he is thrilled with the deal and is looking forward to declaring Spanish the national language for his newly acquired territory and opening SSL (Spanish as a second language) schools throughout California.
White House representatives refused to confirm rumors that a similar deal was in the works for the sale of Northeastern states from NY through Maine, to Canada.
President Trump wrapped up his statement stating, “this deal is HUGE and will help Make America, albeit a little smaller, Great Again”.