COMEDIANS ON KERRY
"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to
re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is
condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is
unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in
order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War."
- Jay Leno
"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the
wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take
the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He
can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm
Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for
the working man." - Jay Leno
"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that
he's already planning his White House sex scandal."
- David Letterman
"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president.
Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the
flash and the sizzle." - Craig Kilborn
"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate.
They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in
campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for
$50 million, Kerry will change his position on gay marriage
and marry him." - Jay Leno
"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now
supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy
has more positions than Paris Hilton." - David Letterman
"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back
pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox
- his back was killing him! from al l that flip-flopping on
issues." - Jay Leno
"An Internet report claims that John Kerry had an affair
with a young woman, but that she still loves him and will
deny it. When asked if this was similar to the
Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no
cigar.'" - Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live
"Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry
juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C.,
Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that
he's started nailing that intern again." - David Letterman
"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The
time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one
candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we
will have to endorse John Kerry.'" - Conan O'Brien
"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists
feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They
say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a
war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll
be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him."
- Jay Leno
"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts
for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the
matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" - Jay Leno
"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said
his FIRST WIFE was worth around $300 million and his SECOND
WIFE, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. His
intern (with whom he supposedly had an affair) was worth
several more million. So when John Kerry says he's going
after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking.
He's doing it!" - Jay Leno
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said
that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of
privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the
multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." - Jay Leno!
"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South
is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern
blacks is obvious. He is an ultra-liberal, ultra-wealthy
white man who lives far, far away." - Dennis Miller
"The big winner on Super Tuesday was Senator John Kerry. He
won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs
the question, why the long face?" - Jay Leno
"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the
beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree.
Sure, it will probably take another five years, but this is
it." - Jay Leno
Submitted by Katie & Frank
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